In the previous articles we have highlighted various aspects of communication and conflict also providing examples to make the material clearer and more applicable. In this article we want to wrap up the topics by finding a way forward.

You will be clear that the way couples approach conflict can have a huge impact on the outcome of that conflict and whether it gets fully resolved. By understanding the type of conflict style, we follow with our partner, we can begin to work on changing it. The goal is to learn how to communicate in a way that acknowledges and respects both partners.

Ideally a couple could have a conversation about their communication and how they manage the conflict arising BEFORE they find themselves in a conflict situation. If this conversation leads to conflict or one or both parties falling back in a destructive style, it is advised they seek assistance for their communication. A key element of such discussion is to LISTEN to understand our partner and not to respond based on my perception or understanding. We are each other’s friend, not enemy.

However hard we may try not to enter conflict; it will happen at one time or other and then we need to attend to our actions during or after the conflict. We are bound to use one or more of the different conflict styles at some point in our relationships. As we get better at identifying them, we will be able to repair them in the moment so that our conversations can move forward.

When you notice that things are not going well in the communication, make a deliberate choice to stop yourself and take a deep breathe. Then attempt to offer an appropriate relational behavior—affection, humor, apology, curiosity, or problem-solving. Here are some examples of what these might sound like:

Affection: “Can I give you a hug?”

Humor: “When I see myself arguing like this, I picture a small dog trying to scare off the big one by barking its head off …”

Apology: “I am really sorry—this isn’t going well. Let me say this differently.”

Curiosity: “Can you try to explain that again, or tell me more? I want to try and understand.”

Problem-solving: “Do you think this conversation would go better if I put the kids to bed first?”

Here is an example of what happens when we don’t change our habits:

Len: “I am so tired at the end of the day, and it is so frustrating for me to walk into a sink full of dishes.”

Joan responds with defensiveness to perceived criticism: “Why is that my fault? You are always blaming me for everything!”

Len defaults to criticism: “I did not say it’s your fault! But you never listen, and you always just make it about you!”

Joan begins to stonewall: “I don’t even want to talk about this anymore.” (Looks away)

Len falls to contempt: “I don’t want to talk to you anymore (in a mocking voice). Clearly you don’t want to talk about it either. Your parents never taught you how to talk about anything properly. It’s pathetic.”

Now, here is an example of what can change if we adjust our responses or conflict style:

Len makes a complaint: “I am so tired at the end of the day, and it is so frustrating for me to walk into a sink full of dishes.”

Joan responds with defensiveness to perceived criticism: “Why is that my fault? You are always blaming me for everything!”

Len makes a repair: “Hey babe, did you think I was criticizing you? I wasn’t. I was just complaining about the dishes.”

Joan also makes a repair: “Oh, OK, you are not happy about the dishes.”

Len tries a gentle startup: “I have noticed when I get home lately, the dishes are still in the sink, and I feel so frustrated when I see that. I need us to come up with a solution.”

Joan takes responsibility: “You’re right. I have really been slacking on that. I need to come up with some ideas for keeping up with it because I agreed that would be my thing.”

Len: “I really appreciate that. And if it’s too much, let’s just talk about what to do instead.”

At times, much can and does go wrong in our communication with our partners. Where our skills lack, or when we become threatened or emotional, we mess up. And by the way, not communicating is communicating anyway.

Let us check our hearts before we point a finger.

Author: Peter Schultz