Understanding Client Mistakes and the Difficulty or Reluctance to Change: A Letter and Guideline for Fellow Counsellors

Dear Fellow Counsellors,

In our counselling rooms, we often meet clients who desire to change but remain stuck in old habits. These aren’t signs of laziness or failure—they’re reflections of how the brain clings to what is known, even when it hurts.

Over time, I’ve come to see resistance not as an obstacle but as a challenge to listen more deeply, to understand the internal frameworks clients are working within, and to respect their pace while still nudging them forward.

This article is a reflection on what I’ve learned in practice and what neuroscience affirms: that meaningful change doesn’t come from insight alone, but from building new templates, and embracing mistakes as part of growth.

I proposition this piece to you not as a prescription, but as a companion—a guide to help you think about your own practice and how we, as counsellors, hold space for both comfort and disruption.

– Dr Peter Schultz

Why Do Humans Repeat Mistakes?

As counsellors, we sometimes wrestle with the balance between fostering emotional safety and encouraging clients to confront the discomfort required for change. We know that strong therapeutic relationships are vital—but we also know that transformation is often born of struggle.

This raises a vital question:
Are we here to help clients feel better, or to help them face what’s hard enough to grow?

The answer begins with understanding why clients so often fail to learn from their own mistakes.

The Brain’s Shortcuts: Templates and Frameworks

From childhood, we’re taught to learn from experience. But unlike touching a hot stove (which is a physical experience we rarely repeat), emotional or cognitive experiences and errors are more complex.

As we grow up into adulthood, the brain builds shortcuts—templates—that guide decision-making, much like AI systems. These templates help us function as humans, but they also lock us into familiar patterns of thought and behaviour.

We refer to this internal processing system as our “operations framework”. It streamlines responses but often overrides new insights, especially when emotionally charged.

Two Elevators: The Emotional vs. Rational Mind

Humans operate with two metaphorical elevators in the brain:

• The Thinking Elevator (rational, logical, slow)
• The Feeling Elevator (emotional, instinctive, fast)

These elevators never move in sync. The more emotionally activated a person is, the less access they have to rational thought—and vice versa.

This disconnect explains why clients may “know better” but still fall into old patterns. The dominant elevator builds the strongest templates, eventually shaping their frame of reference—the lens through which they interpret and respond to the world.

How Cognitive Biases Reinforce the Familiar

Humans generally learn through association and generalisation. Their brains link repeating patterns—real or disorganised—and form templates that prioritize safety over novelty.

New information is filtered through these templates, distorted to align with what is familiar. Even if clients know they’re repeating harmful behaviours, subconsciously they may resist change simply because it feels safer to stay the same.

They also tend to:

• Select information that protects the ego
• Avoid insights that challenge their internal narratives
• Seek emotional security over cognitive correction

What Can We Do as Counsellors?

Here’s a practical framework to support clients in breaking through old patterns:

1. Create Emotional Safety

Safety is the cornerstone of therapeutic work. Without it, clients cannot access the thinking elevator. But safety alone doesn’t spark change—it simply makes it possible.

2. Explore Both Facts and Feelings

Help clients look at their situation holistically:

• Have they experienced this before?
• How did they manage it then?
• What does it feel like now?

Balancing cognitive and emotional awareness fosters insight.

3. Co-Create a Plan for Action

Counselling isn’t just about insight—it’s about implementation. Agree on a strategy that includes:

• Specific behavioural steps
• Small, manageable risks
• Time limits and routine
• Built-in repetition and accountability

4. Normalize Mistakes as Part of Change

Help clients reframe mistakes as data, not failure. When shame or guilt decreases, openness to new learning increases. This encourages more experimentation and less fear of regression.

5. Build New Templates Through Repetition

Repeated exposure to new experiences allows clients to slowly rewire their mental frameworks. Over time, they begin to reference healthier templates when responding to stress or challenge.

A Final Word: Mistakes Are Messengers

As counsellors, we hold space for discomfort, uncertainty, and growth. We must continually remind ourselves—and our clients—that mistakes are not evidence of failure, but invitations to adapt.

When clients feel safe enough to make mistakes, reflect, and try again, they move closer to lasting transformation. And when we meet them with patience and clarity, we become co-facilitators in their pathway of self-awareness and behavioural change.

Author: Dr Peter Schultz